Soft Skills

People often reference Social Emotional Learning (Emotional Intelligence and Social Skills) as soft

I find this minimizing and disrespectful.

The so called soft skills are in effect the Essential skills of being a human being.

The Essential human skills have transformed humanity from prehistoric fight or flight beasts to the infinite possibilities of today.

The Essential skills have helped us survive every war and helped negotiate every peace.

The Essential skills helped humanity end slavery and apartheid.

The Essential skill help us care for the environment and each other.

These are the skills of Jesus, Buddha, St. Francis, Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr., and Mother Teresa.  

These are the Essential skills of forgiveness, gratitude, kindness, connection, courage, compassion, empathy, understanding, serenity, and love.

These are the Essential skills needed to be fully human.

Communication, Communion, Community and Unity

This past week I had the privilege to work with an old friend and 70 educators on the topic of communication.  The word communicate has its origin in the latin commun; meaning "common."  Ideally, when we communicate, we share our understanding of what we have in common.  The word communion shares the same origin.  In communion, we have a shared experience.  The word community also has its roots in the latin word commun.  Community contains the word unity.  Human evolution and human possibilities are reflected in each of these words.

We need to focus on what we have in common.  We need to seek understanding so we can find common ground.  We need to look for opportunities to experience communion.  I believe these actions and intentions will lead us to building community.  In this process, we will experience unity.

Our great ancestors survived because they cared for one another.  We are part of a great legacy of bonding together for survival.  Fear used to bring us together to stay safe in our caves with our clans.  Now fear creates hate which tears us apart.  There is no security in racism, sexism, bullying or harassment.  Security will never be formed in separation.  The only safe and sane responses to challenges of our time are Communication, Communion, Community and Unity.

"Community Unity Mural" - by F. Michelle Santos - Baltimore, MD

Disrupt the cycle of anger, hatred, and violence

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Martin Luther King Jr.

If we meet anger, hatred, and violence with a similar response than we are a part of the pain that this creates.  We need to listen with a sincere intention to understand.  This process of leaning into the unknown and seeking to understand will disrupt the intensity of discord.

I grew up in the 50's and 60's with a Father who taught me about equity and justice.  I listened as he acknowledged and affirmed my first mentor, my little league baseball coach. Mr. Bell was a African American man, who was a role model of citizenship, respect, trust, caring and responsibility. He was my first hero next to my Dad.  In a time of a segregated lunch counters, I listened and read as my Dad wrote an editorial in our local town newspaper about how he respected and cared for Mr. Bell and how happy he would be, if he could not be my father, that Mr. Bell would be the father he would have chosen for his son.

My father was a small part of the civil rights movement in my little town in New Jersey.  We can disrupt the cycle of racism, anger, hatred, and violence by letting our humanity come shining through.  We need to listen, speak and act with compassion, understanding, and love for all humanity.

"Today, it's all about WE."

"We live in a world where everything is connected.  We can no longer think in terms of us and them when it comes to the consequences of the way we live.  Today, it's all about WE." - Gregg Braden

We must take our essential learnings of connection, authenticity, courage and compassion and apply them in the world.  The world begins in our homes, neighborhoods, schools, work places, states and country.  Fear is the source of anger.  Fear and anger undermine the essence of being human.  There is no scenario where anger works to anyone's advantage.  In fear, anger and violence, we all lose.

The survival of our world and of our lives will not be found in fear, anger and hatred.  The loudest voice does not always win.  We need to recall our existence depended upon, and still depends upon, our ability to cooperate.  We need to connect.  We need to listen.  We need to understand.

We need to stop looking through the eyes of fear.  We need to stop our obsession with us versus them.  We are here together.  Billions of us on this round blue ball.  In my unconditional loving God there is a welcoming, accepting spirit.  We are all one with different expressions of God's exquisite uniqueness.  We can touch the world instantly.  We can show love by a look, a gesture, a smile, a handshake, a hug, a phone call, an email, a tweet, a snap and a text.  We can also show love by being quiet in prayer and meditation.  Breathe a message of love and change the world.

Mentoring

Since my career as an educator and human services professional began at age 20, I have always been blessed to work with people younger than I am.  In the past 46 years, I have worked with talented, passionate people who are often younger in years but not in wisdom.  Wisdom for me has never been at the top of the graduate school hierarchy.  It has always been in the heart, soul and body of each individual life story.

I find joy in connecting young and old; in finding answers to social and educational challenges.  The energy is abundant and effervescent.  I believe we need to join together to address our shared responsibility for the future.  Together, we are the future.  We are our future.

I love mentoring young adults.  Mentoring is a two way street.  This mentality allows us to inspire the best in each other.  I love helping people find their voice.  There is great reward and meaning in sharing the authenticity and vulnerability of our voice.  As mentors, we have the honor and privilege to create a safe and emotional space for a young voice to blossom and feel its truth.

In young voices are sounds of hope.  We need the sound of hope, now!  I am inspired by youthful voices.  I am inspired by hope.  We need to be inspired, now!

We must knock down all of our perceived walls of difference and 

meet together in a safe emotional space.  

From this safe space, we will create wisdom.

Sanctuary

Sanctuary in it's original meaning, is a sacred place.  It is historically seen as a place of relief and safety.  In challenging times, people have often sought physical and emotional safety.  We live in those challenging times now.

Sanctuary is essential to life.  Sometimes I find it in the pages of a book.  Often I find it in a meditation, prayer, and the loving listening of a friend.  I always find sanctuary in the loving arms of my wife Sandra and the loving presence of our daughter Ashley.  Seeking sanctuary is not optional.  Today we are often overcome by rushing, pressure, stress, us versus them, hate speech, racism, and sexism.  We all need sanctuary to recover from the oppression of violence.

Here is a beautiful song by Carrie Newcomer "Sanctuary"

https://www.newcomerpalmer.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/06-Sanctuary.mp3

Peace

My life continues to be meaningful

I am blessed.  I love my life.  I am becoming old.  At 66, I don't mentally process as quickly and am slower at finding my beloved vocabulary.  My life is full of grace.  I am no longer graceful.  I fall down and I sometimes struggle to get up.  I get up, I rise because of the grace of God, I rise with the support of great therapists, I rise with the loving support of family and friends.

I still have some fears.  I still fear the passing of our special needs daughter.  I feel the fear when I can not find Sandra.  I know how blessed I am to be alive.  Many people I know have not made it to my age.  I love the viewpoint from my late 60's. 

I have no interest in fighting against aging.  Aging is a natural state of human growth and development.  I actually find some joy in saying "I am getting old."  I am still making connections, I am still building relationships, I am learning and I am still creating.  I particularly love connecting with young, passionate, caring minds.  I think our relationship benefits both the young and the old.  My life is a blessing, my life is a vocation.  I feel called to do this Work.  My life continues to be meaningful. 

Practice

"To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now." 

- Fred Rogers

Our life experience is a limitless journey of practice and progress, not perfection.  We are all in relationship in this journey of making mistakes and learning.  We all have different life learning styles and we all learn our life lessons at different rates of speed.  We all must remember each of us is doing the best we can, with what we know at the moment.

I seek to lovingly accept you as you are in that moment.  Even though you may be different than me and hard for me to understand.  It would be easier for me if you were like me but it would be far less interesting and neither of us would grow or learn anything new.

Our relationships along life's journey allow us each to keep practicing.

Practice, practice, practice

Progress, progress, progress

Improvement, improvement, improvement

Pain can be a teacher in the process of growth

"All the world is full of suffering.  It is also full of overcoming."

- Helen Keller

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.  

We are spiritual beings having a human experience."

- Teilhard de Chardin

Essential to our spiritual nature, we have within us the ability to rise above all challenge.  As human beings, we have felt pain, disappointment, loss and grief.  All these experiences teach us how to choose in the future.  What today is painful, tomorrow we can chose differently and grow.  Suffering is life reminding us we can make a change.

If a relationship is hurtful, we need to make a change.  If we are not happy about going to work, it is time to look for another option.  If our body or mind is in pain, it is time to make adjustments and get help.

Pain can be a teacher in the process of growth.

We are one sacred family

"Fear, pain and worry make us retreat, 

while great love and great suffering break down those barriers."

-Mark Nepo

Will we be a society, a culture, a people that lives in fear and pushes people away because we perceive them as different?  Can we be a society, a culture, a people that lives in great love and compassion and invites those we see as different to come close and teach us?

Will we be self-serving, in need of control and untrustworthy or can we be kind, generous, servant leaders who are trusting?

Fear tricks us into believing that retreating, protecting and excluding will keep us safe. Love welcomes and reminds us that we are one within our diversity. We are essentially more alike than we are different. 

"We are born whole but we need each other to be complete."

- Plato

We are here to connect. We are here to be a unique part of an infinite whole. It is essential to tell our story. It is equally essential to listen to the stories of others. When we share the vulnerability of our stories, we find that we are not alone.  Every human life is sacred. We are one sacred family. 

Join together

Jesus said "Wherever two or more are gathered together in my name, there I am."

I have been blessed to participate in a significant number of positive, pro active collaborations.  I have had the privilege of helping to create programs where Spirit was truly moving the effort forward.  When we are in alignment with "the still, small voice" we are a part of the healing process.  We are servant leaders when we join together and share our gifts, talents and authenticity.  This synergy brings love, strength and healing.

Join together in strength.  Join together in faith.  Join together in the belief that we are far greater together than we are alone.

Live life on purpose

The most effective way to achieve our goals and dreams is to live our life on purpose.  Fulfilling our sense of purpose and helping others to fulfill their sense of purpose.  When we are all focused on our sense of purpose, stress will be reduced and joy will be revealed.

"Our prime purpose in life is to help others" - Dalai Lama

"Help others achieve their dreams and you will achieve your dreams" - Les Brown

How can we transform schools?

How can we transform schools?  How do we take standardized test oppressed educators and students to an experience where they all know they are cared for and each of their lives matter.

We need to see everyone, yes everyone, as a potential leader.  We need to inspire and recognize their passion, heart, commitment, and compassion.  We need to recognize and acknowledge the humanity and goodness of everyone in our school.

In my 45 years in education, I have found that if we take care of those we work with, they will take care of the work of teaching and learning.  If we let people know we genuinely care about them, they will let others know they care.

Trust is the core of successful school transformation.  We must give trust to get trust.

"They found one variable that had great explanatory power: they called it "relational trust," which I read as a synonym of "community."  If a school had high relational trust and/or a leadership core that worked on trust building, that school had roughly a 5 out of 7 chance of serving students better by the end of the decade."

- "The Heart of Higher Education" Palmer, Zajonc, Scribner, Nepo 2010, page 46

The children, parents, and educators of our nation are starving for positivity and authentic leadership in schools.  Everyone I meet in education is passionate to show their love for children and love of learning.

Long term meaningful change is not easy.  It is not fast.  We need to make a heart felt, soul-level commitment to children, educators and parents to do what is needed.  To do the right thing.  I believe the right thing is doing what is most human.  

Taking care of each other is most human.

What could have broken me, made me who I am

A spirit deep inside me has always invited me to do more, bounce back, keep going. I have come to know that spirit as my unconditionally loving God. Our special needs daughter, Ashley, has faced countless health and life crises. In each challenge, I found myself going deeper into prayer.  Even though frightened, I found myself meeting each new developmental and life challenge head on. I’m not good at avoiding. I am not good at compartmentalizing. In my life, everything is connected, everything is personal. In every crisis my family has faced with Ashley I found myself looking for the ring of light. Where is the hope? Where is the lesson? How can I be a better man?

Because Ashley is so physically challenged, my own internal challenges are revealed to me. I look at my own imperfections and I share my pain and vulnerability without shame.

Throughout Ashley’s 34 years, Sandra and I have looked for doctors, therapists and answers to help her heal. I now know that she is not here to be healed. She is the healer. This little special needs angel who is developmentally two months old, who cannot speak, who cannot make a conscious movement, who is tube fed and diapered. She is the healer. She is the grace of God. She has healed my life by her presence. Her unconditionally loving presence.

 I have learned that presence, Ashley‘s presence, is deep spiritual listening. She is totally open and vulnerable, she has no defense. She is beyond any thinking that makes sense. She is beyond cognition. I have needed to let go of old mindsets, of what is normal. We live beyond normal. We live, with Ashley in the mystical. We live in Grace. We live in love.

Building a School Family

Schools can change the lives of children and together educators and children can change the world. We must “fully embrace the responsibility of the lives entrusted to us.” - Bob Chapman

Every school and school leader has the responsibility to create a school family and community that keeps children physically and emotionally safe.  We must teach and model caring, forgiveness, gratitude, empathy, compassion, trust, respect, nurturing and love. When we hold ourselves and children accountable, that is an act of love.

We need to treat each staff member and each student the way we want our own precious children to be treated.

We need to build a school family and community where everyone wants to come every day. Where they will be nourished in mind, body and soul.

We need to find role models and mentors for ourselves, our staff, our parents and our students. Mentors that model the essential social and emotional skills for being a good human being.

We need to see the potential in everyone in our school family. We need to encourage and inspire our staff and students to develop their strengths and passions.

We need to respect our talents, similarities, challenges and differences.

We need to celebrate our diversity as a school family. We need to support each other in our diversity.

We need to be patient with those that are in pain and afraid of growth and change. We need to listen to their story and find out what has happened to them.

We need to help staff and students grow beyond our school family. Just like great loving parents, we need to give them roots and ways to grow. At some point, they will all leave us and we will know we have served them well.

We need to be real, authentic, vulnerable and courageous. We need to laugh together, cry together, talk it out, talk it through, and forgive and forgive and forgive.